THE LIGHT AT THE MIDDLE OF THE TUNNEL
By Jenny Ann Fraser
Who I Am Today
My life is far from perfect. I am 40 years old, single, unemployed and mostly broke. I will never have any children, a sad, but wise decision, and I am not as hopeful as I once was that I will ever fall in love let alone get married.
I have great friends, and a close family and yet I have never not been lonely. I don’t know that I will ever be capable of not being lonely, but I am optimistic that I can learn.
Still, I am pretty much ok with right now. I like my life these days even when I don’t like my life circumstances.
I love myself.
It is like owning a well of joy that I can always pull from, no matter how far I have to reach down into it to drink.
I wouldn’t give up my new-found well of self-love, not even if Jonathan Rhys Meyers himself offered to whisk me off to an English estate where I could live out the rest of my life like a Queen.
Who I Was
I’m not sure how it is that I suffered with depression, and anxiety since I was a small child without it being obvious to the adults around me, but I did. It was not due to neglect, or a lack of love in my life. I had great parents and despite an education system which is traditionally not good for students like me, still, I had good teachers.
Somehow, I was born a master at hiding. Hiding my thoughts, feelings and fears to the best of my abilities made sense, as it was difficult enough to fit in without showing my true self. That plan worked until I neared the last few years of my twenties by which time the facade had worn out and I could no longer pretend that I could cope.
Years of reading self-help books, and discovering an interest in and an aptitude for psychology led me to correctly self-diagnose my ADHD, but did nothing to alleviate any of my problems.
Anxiety was my constant minute by minute companion. I lived every moment with my heart racing, my blood pounding in my ears, my mouth dry, and my throat clenched. I could sleep for a few hours at a time, often waking up in a state of complete panic with chest pains and difficulty breathing. I blamed myself for this, even though I knew no better way to be. Despite all I was going through, the most difficult part for me was to get through each day without choosing to end my life. I saw very little reason to continue.
I hated myself, and absolutely everything about me. My boyfriend had ended our relationship and I had pushed away (or run away from) all of my friends. I hid what was happening from my family as I always had. I hated everything about myself, and often didn’t eat. I weighed 92 lbs.
One desperate night I made a desperate call to a 24 hour hotline and without realizing it, I saved my own life.
How I Got Here
Shortly after that phone call, I started seeing and excellent psychologist who specialized in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and had a lot of experience with both adults and children with ADHD. I was in this instance in my life truly lucky.
I was lucky, because I felt that my situation left me no one to lean on let alone depend on, so I had no choice but to get better. At my worst, I couldn’t leave my apartment, but I worked at home because I had no where to go if I didn’t earn money. I listened to my therapist, because there was no one else who had any answers. She told me I could get better and I believed her, because not getting better wasn’t an option I could live with.
In the beginning, I took anti-depressant medication, and Ritalin for my ADHD. These drugs made eating even more difficult, though they helped me climb my way out of the pit that had swallowed me up whole so that I could learn how to heal. I was finally able to live without medication, though I would go back in an instant if I needed to.
I learned to become aware of the thoughts that created my anxiety and depression. I learned how to challenge those negative beliefs and replace them with new ones.
I read books on Neuroscience and Psychology and began to comprehend what was physically happening in my brain and my body. Facing one small fear at a time, from the smallest to the largest, I moved forward and found new ways to think which resulted in new ways to live.
When my anxiety had faded to the point where I could work again, I ended up getting a job with more responsibility than the job which had pushed me over the edge in the first place. I’ve been there, working successfully under increasing stress for 10 years (it’s a seasonal position which explains my current unemployment). I cope with whatever comes my way at work.
I started to face larger fears, things I could have avoided, like 4 years of classical guitar lessons which was the equivalent of paying a teacher to watch me have a panic attack every week for 30 minutes, but I didn’t quit until I finally had those panic attacks under control.
Then, I moved onto the truly scary. I started studying classical voice, and even sang solo in several recitals. There, I learned to pull through, panic or no panic and singing has become one of my greatest loves, anxiety be damned! It has stolen enough of my life.
I made a commitment in 1993, to dedicate myself to growing and learning so that I might contribute as much as possible while I’m here. I converted to Judaism, and practiced for a few years, but moved away when I found that it wasn’t helping me to find the peace that I so desperately crave. From there, I have delved deeply into non-denominational spirituality and have found contemplation, meditation, gratitude and compassion to be the key to anything and everything that is good in my life.
I realized that despite my problems past or present, I am growing, moving forward and contributing. I have let go of my debilitating perfectionism and learned to be happy with where I am. I am no longer ashamed of who I was, nor the mistakes I made, am still making and will make in the future. I am instead proud of all that I have accomplished.
Over the years I have slowly evolved into something greater than the girl who starved herself down to 92lbs because she didn’t think she deserved food. She seems like someone I met 12 years ago. Not someone I was.
My life is still difficult in many ways. Anxiety can rear it’s ugly head in certain predictable circumstances and sometimes when I least expect it, but it is nothing compared to what I used to live with each moment. The physical symptoms can be extremely uncomfortable but I can now compare it to a deep scratch as opposed to multiple stab-wounds. I truly look forward to the day when anxiety truly is a part of my past.
My age, and changing hormones have opened a new chapter in my story of depression but I know me now. Depression is part of my story, but I am not my story. I am careful, and I watch. I watch my thoughts, I question them. I work each day to change what doesn’t serve me. I work to accept what I cannot change. I know that it is my job to stay out of the pit and and I will never need to hit the bottom before I will reach out for help again. I know how to find it and I’m never afraid to ask.
ADHD is a constant in my life. I choose (most of the time) not to think of it as a disorder, but just a part of my personality.
Concentration is extremely hard for me still at times and hyper-activity is my constant companion. It keeps me fit, is definitely the source of my creativity, my humour and my ambition.
I talk too much, but that gets easier as I grow in awareness so I don’t worry too much about it as long as I’m not hurting anyone. I can’t keep a space organized to save my life it seems, but I keep trying, and I’m ok with the fact that I may never live in a show home, (or a show castle for that matter).
I don’t beat myself up over my short-comings. Instead, I find myself asking if my so-called faults really have a negative affect on my life or others. I no longer worry because others perceive me as not being “normal”. I really have no desire to be “normal” even though I have to admit that I don’t know what it is. It sounds boring, so I’ll pass.
Where I am Today
These days, I am the self-crowned queen of my own personal castle. This would be why I would actually kick Jonathan Rhys Meyers out of bed for eating crackers. Clearly, I don’t need him.
My castle is a fortress with high strong walls, a moat, and a drawbridge to protect me from the evil dragon Depression who often lies just outside it’s front gate.
The damp cold of anxiety has little chance due to geo-thermal heating and energy-efficient triple-paned windows.
ADHD is welcome in my castle, and anyone who has a problem with it is not a problem for me. After all, I am the Queen.
I am both the Queen, and my own team of soldiers whose job it is to watch which thoughts are allowed to pass through and what they do when they get there.
If I am not diligent. The dragon will make his way in, but still, if that were to happen, I have a great collection of weapons which will stop him before he has the chance to burn down my walls. I don’t worry about what might happen. I deal with what is, the best way I know how.
Jenny Ann Fraser is a costumer for Theatre Dance and Film. She lives with her cat Angus in Winnipeg Canada.
She is also a a budding entrepreneur, new to writing, and creator of the blog Arriving at Your Own Door.
She can’t wait to see what she does next…
Thank you so much for sharing! I have just recently ben told I most likely have ADHD. I may need a few more tests to confirm but my Psychiatrist is pretty sure. I would be very interested in hearing more about your experience with ADHD!
Thank you!
I have written about it on my blog and will surely write about it again in the future.
Good luck and don’t dispair. ADHD has it’s gifts too!
Well done Jenny. Beautifully and movingly written.
thank you.
viv
Jenny you are such a beautiful person and everything you write moves me! Each time my daughters illness rears its ugly head I can say there is beauty behind it. I know this because I see it in you.
{{Hugs}}
Thank you Viv!
Jenny, I got a bit weepy reading this one but I also laughed about eating crackers in bed and about being normal (I can relate!).
Beautifully written. Loved it. Many thanks for sharing.
Thank you Belinda.
powerful.
i can’t wait to see what you do next either!
Thank you for reading Andrea!
Jenny Ann,
Thank-you for sharing your journey. I am sure many will see themselves in your story and some will come to know that we can and do make changes and that there is purpose in every aspect of who we have been, who we are and who we will be. Much love to you.
Jenny, you are a delight to have crossed paths with. There were several things you said I found myself saying I could relate to. (the putting yourself intentionally in situations where you had to face your fears head on…repeatedely. yep, been there, done that…it’s a rush isn’t it? oh but so sweet a victory once you start seeing some measure of growth.
In addition, I’m married to a woman who spent two stays in a hospital to battle the emotional wars going in her soul. She’s struggled to this day w/ anxiety and depression, and at 50 is still discovering who she is as a person.
We’re currently part of a small non-denominational house church- . No one claims to have it all together so reading your story puts me in mind of our group…it’s refreshing to me to read your story…you feel like a kindred spirit. thanks for putting yourself out there and being so transparent! DM
Thank you DM!
This wasn’t a post that I ever thought I’d write, so thanks to SOS for inviting me to submit!
I’m so grateful that this has had a positive affect on those reading it.
I too am so happy to have crossed paths with you! The Internet is indeed a wonderful thing.
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